I guarantee these apps are more useless than a keyboard mounted on an iPhone.
I got my iPhone almost 2 years ago and thought it was the greatest thing ever. I went into a phase that I now define as “app shock”: the period after getting a smartphone in which you uncontrollably download a ridiculous amount of apps out of sheer excitement, regardless of whether or not they cost money.
A few dollars and megabytes later, I had an iPhone with 3 pages of apps.
Looking back, some of the things I chose to download were the most useless inventions ever. And even worse: I actually paid money for some of them.
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Below you’ll find my list of the 5 most useless, not free apps currently sitting on my iPhone. I’m hoping this will help prevent incidents of app shock across the globe. Try not to judge me too much by what I chose.
1. Spy Kit ($0.99)
Sure I thought that being able to disguise my phone voice and take stealth pictures would come in handy one day, but want to guess how many times I’ve used this app? Zero.
Spy Kit comes with a bunch of nifty covert tools that would make James Bond proud, but I can guarantee you won’t use any of them in your daily life. Unless you happen to be in the CIA or FBI that is, and in which case I hope they’d find you better equipment than a phone app. Save your dollar on this one and buy a pack of gum instead. You’ll get much more use out of it.
2. Pocket UV ($0.99)
I’m not exactly sure how this one ended up on my phone. Maybe I was looking pale a few winters ago and needed a tanning bed built into my phone? Or maybe I’m just an idiot and assumed that this app was the equivalent of a black light?
For whatever reason, I wasted a dollar on this entirely useless invention. The app states that it will help you, “prepare for summer [by] tan[ing] your skin.” It actually just glows blue when you press it a bunch of times. Maybe it will actually tan your skin if you do it every hour of the day for the next 25 years or so…
3. Night Vision ($0.99)
Why use that dinky little free flashlight app when you can pay a few dollars for night vision? I mean, obviously you’ll be navigating through dark scary places all the time and giving away your position with a flash light could be fatal, right?
The one time I tried to use this app in place of a flashlight was an absolute disaster. Just picture navigating a pitch black room with a phone in front of your eyes the entire time. Trust me, you end up bumping into a lot of things.
4). 5-0 Police Radio ($2.99)
I paid $3 for this app and almost used it one time. Unlike some of the other misfits I downloaded, this one actually works. You can tap into police radios and listen to people being pulled over for speeding tickets and busted tail lights until your heart’s content. You’ll be privy to all of the insanely boring and mundane minor traffic infractions that happen on a daily basis. And don’t worry, when there’s nothing happening right at the moment, you’ll be treated to some extremely entertaining radio silence. What more could you ask for in entertainment?
5). Tattoos 4 U ($0.99)
Out of all the apps on my phone, I’m the most embarrassed to admit the existence of this one. It’s a giant collection of some terrible stock tattoos that you could find for free at any tattoo parlor.
I originally downloaded it to get some ideas for my own design but instantly regretted the decision. I’d advise anyone against getting a stock tattoo, but I’m also going to strongly suggest that you not bring this to a tattooist. Once you tell him/her where you got the design idea from, (and mention the excellent spelling of the app) they may very well laugh you out of the parlor.
Have you lost some cash to a useless app in the past? Let us know in the comments!
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